I miss you………

I cried today, quietly, sitting by myself. I browsed through our engagement photos looking at her photos. She looked so happy, almost like she found a god in my fiance. She knew that I had found the right person to spend my life with and that was all that mattered to my mother.

She passed away this past weekend, in a hospital, after my sister told her not to worry, I would get married on the day our wedding was planned. My sister told my mother “I will take care of her and be her mother. I will get her married just the way you wanted. Please don’t torture yourself. Let go.” And with that reassurance, my mother let her life slip away from her. The only thing that had held her through her difficult illness was the fact that I was not married or engaged to anyone. I pray that no one has to ask their loved one to let go of their life. There can be nothing worse that having to do that.

In the past 2 or 3 weeks, my mother had been very very critical and all of us in the family had worried about her, every hour her condition changed. At times she was a little better – giving us hope that she would pull through this. At other times she was worse. We were so scared for her, watching her suffer. Unfortunately for me, I was not with her in person at this time. I listened in on her sufferings, spoke to her when I could, she could not talk back, she only heard what I had to say. She did like me to know she was in pain, so I had to pretend all was ok. It was the most difficult time of my life.

We had all come to our wit’s end. What do we pray to God? Do we him to extend her life? with all her suffering? Or do we ask him to end her suffering? In the end we prayed to God to do what was best for her. He took her away from us. I guess that was what was best for her.

You would think that after 3 years of a terrible illness and months of a critical condition in the hospital, we would have been mentally and emotionally prepared for her to pass away. But nothing can prepare you to say good bye to someone you love. Nothing can – however much you know that this was what was good for them. I miss her!! Terribly! I can feel her loss every hour of the day. Surprising that I did not miss my mother as much when she was alive and back home. I guess knowing that she was a phone call away made me feel better.

I don’t even know what I want to say in this post – perhaps just that my emotions are so overwhelming that my thoughts are jumbled up!

But going through this tragedy in my life has taught me some things:

  1. However much you know that someone you love is going to pass away – perhaps because they very ill for a long time or because they are very old (my mom was young) – you are never prepared to say good bye
  2. It is not wrong to not want someone you love to suffer – it is the test of true love, whether you love them so much you want what is good for them? or whether you want what you believe is good for you?
  3. Sometimes you have to let go of a person you love for their good
  4. Life goes on and one day even you will die – right now you have  no idea how, but it is best to life to the fullest and with no regrets!

I miss you Aai! While there is no more stress or worry about you, there is a deep sated sadness that only time will take away. But yes, the anger and frustration at you being the victim will always live with me. I love you Aai and will always do.

2 Responses to “I miss you………”
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  1. […] PS. A worrysome thought struck me this week – if I am not good at eating the right things, and keeping myself healthy and nourished, will I make a bad mother with fat unhealthy kids? (My friend had a baby, and I realized that one day I would too – how would I keep another human being healthy, if I couldn’t manage myself?) Godd!! I miss my mom! […]

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